Whether adult children should be helped with rent, groceries, or other expenses is a hotly debated issue. Psychologists, experts, and parents write a lot about it, but we decided to find out what ordinary people think.
Opinions are divided. Some are ready to support their adult children until they learn to provide for themselves independently. Others believe that assistance only harms: a person begins to think that it will always be like this, he is not motivated to look for a job and develop.
We have collected, in our opinion, the main arguments of readers on popular forums — both in favor of helping adult children and against it.
👍 For: we need to provide children with a foundation for life
It's great when parents give you a comfortable start in life and the opportunity to develop and find yourself. And you don't have to do everything possible every month to survive and not be left on the street if you don't have enough money for rent.
Having an apartment gives you a sense of security and confidence in the future. And there is always room to grow. Already have an apartment? Well, you will probably want to renovate it, buy better furniture, a car and a second apartment.
I think as someone who was not helped with this, but was helped during the first three years of study. That's good. Few people get an apartment or other financial assistance of this kind from their parents after they reach adulthood. There are only a few such people, because resources are limited. I envy them, to be completely honest, but I'm not trying to convince myself that this demotivates anyone.
And this belief that someone should surpass themselves, work hard, and never relax is false. It's just envy that someone can relax and you can't.
👎 Against: Parents should not help their children to the detriment of themselves
I'm 36, my mom sometimes helps, gives me money for dental treatment or repairs. But basically I give everything back, except for gifts.
My cousin's parents buy her groceries and clothes, so she spends her salary in stores on personal items. I think a little help is normal, but it's strange when a mother deprives herself and gives everything to her married son or daughter.
👍 For: support is necessary while the child is learning the profession
Mine are still small, but I plan to help with the fundamental things. Education, housing. I believe that I am obliged to support them in this. And in life, if I need to give them a hand somewhere, of course.
In my family, it's like this: no one is arrogant, in 99% of cases they manage on their own. But they know that parents are the first to offer help to the best of their ability if there is some force majeure.
If children do not enter university on a budget or there are not enough free places, you need to be financially prepared. And if they do enter – that's fine, there will be somewhere to put the deferred money. In addition, education can be different, it is not necessarily a university. In general, I consider it necessary to help at first, while the child is mastering a profession and does not have the opportunity to work fully without harming their studies, so as not to be dependent.
👎 Cons: Helping adult children creates codependency
I decided long ago that you shouldn't regularly help adult children with money if they don't really need it. I'm not talking about exceptional cases – illness or some kind of trouble, but in ordinary life I never offered money just like that, I didn't ask if they had money for groceries or rent. It always seemed strange to me: if a person is already an adult, they should be able to provide for themselves. If they can't, then they haven't grown up yet. And even if age says otherwise, in my eyes, true adulthood is independence.
I have seen parents I know who constantly give even successful children “little things,” even though they are already successful: a business, a nice car. To me, it seemed as if the parents did not want to let go of their children psychologically, and the children seemed to be relying on this help. In such relationships, codependency often arises: parents feel needed only when they can help with money, and the children no longer desire independence.
From my own experience, I can say that if a child feels trusted and supported from childhood, if they know that they are believed in, they will definitely learn to earn money on their own. You don't have to be a genius or have any special skills to do this. It's just important to give them the space to try themselves and make mistakes, and not run to the rescue every time something goes wrong.
👍 Pros: It's normal for parents to be involved in their children's lives
When my daughter had difficulties, she helped with money and participation in solving problems. When I had difficulties, she did the same. Now I can't call it help. It's just that when there are some extraordinary expenses for grandchildren, I'm in trouble. In principle, in this case they can do without me, but I'm pleased to be “in the loop.”
👎 Against: Adult children must learn to provide for themselves
There are children 22 and 26 years old, the youngest has a disability and still lives with us. The eldest is completely autonomous. But the man periodically gives him money behind my back. I don't know about the sum, usually the appointments too. And when I find out after the fact, I express my “fi”.
In general, my mission is to put these two on my wing and teach them to live without me. This is more important than help right now. And I'm very grateful to my daughter for making me understand this. She's already working, sticking to the budget, and cleaning the apartment. She used to vacation with us, and this year she said: “Mom, I'm alone, the young man and I decided this.”
👍 Pros: with parental support, it is easier to start an independent life
Parents probably shouldn't categorically state that they won't help their children after 18. When there is at least moral support, without the financial ability to help, it is emotionally easier to make plans and achieve goals like buying an apartment.
I will analyze it using my own example: my father always said that he did not plan to help in any way with the purchase of housing. I was normal about it, so I relied only on myself. I wanted elementary words of support: “If anything happens, rely on me.” Because of this, I bought an apartment only when I was thirty, although the opportunity was there earlier. But I was afraid that something could go wrong.
Although now I see this as a big plus, no one criticizes me about housing, I don't feel indebted to anyone. And among my acquaintances, conflicts often arise between children and parents on the basis of such issues.
Importantly
This article is not intended to be professional financial, psychological, legal, or any other expert advice. It is intended to provide insight into different perspectives on the issue of financial support for adult children.
Remember that each situation is unique, and consulting with a professional (financial advisor, family psychologist, lawyer) may be helpful in making important decisions regarding financial support for adult children.
